Medusa's Envy: She Was Once A Sweet Ass Brunette!

Papa, I love you!

2010-08-25T10:56:00.000-04:00

That's Right Baby...

2010-07-04T12:58:00.002-04:00

You can't play a player, and you can't bullshit a bullshitter!

Anyone like my new bed?

2010-03-07T19:41:00.001-05:00

It's french "inspired", but made in Italy!

To be continued...

2010-02-11T11:53:00.003-05:00

Better to communicate this way until my email is up and running again! GRIN

Yeah, I am not the phone-slammer type. And while I have been known to yell, it’s always been in privacy. Never in front of people, and never in public. I’m not a big believer in hanging my dirty laundry out to dry. I do jealously guard my home life and try to keep it separate as much as possible from my work life. I don’t like the feeling that I don’t have a place to escape to from either work or home (whichever is bugging me at the time). I also don’t air out my problems while I am at work, because then people at work get a distorted sense of why you are in a relationship in the first place or what the hell is her problem. It’s hard to explain the things that keep you attached to someone. It’s little things like using nicknames, or starting into a sentence without having to give background, or knowing your partner’s habits so well, you can predict how they are going to react, or know what they are going to do. There’s a certain security about that. I would be always worried that that kind of domestic security would be swept out from under me by some calamitous even... and it has been. And so, I enjoyed the moments I had, even though some of the feelings I had were tough to work through....

My singlehoodom isn’t always all fun and games. A lot of confusion, and a lot of foiled expectations, a lot of living out a script that you feel you did not write (i.e. following impossible, unrequited loves, but you follow them nonetheless, like a computer program follows its own internal logic). It’s tiring to do all of that soul-searching following each and every romantic spark or physical connection (“Is he the one? What am I prepared to live with? Do they lile me in the same way I like them? What are we using each other for? What’s not quite right about the way we made love last night? How long should I wait to call after our first meeting?” etc. etc.). That’s all very nerve-wracking and heady stuff. On the one hand, being single can allow you to feel liberated, as opposed to feeling sad, when letting go of those relationships that make you feel bad about yourself, because there isn’t as much invested in them (not like you have to split property, custody, etc.) And it can be exhilarating to just have a sensual experience and be answerable to no one about it, to not have to account for your whereabouts, or “be responsible” and above reproach in all of your relationships with people outside the context of your love nest. But the older I get, the more I realize that I suck at being by myself. I keep thinking: I am more like a gerbil every day, in the sense that gerbils die of loneliness. Damn our culture of coupledom!

I can relate...

2010-02-05T19:05:00.000-05:00

Shit my Dad says - is funny... Shit MY Dad does - is even funnier!

Papa, I love you so much!

2010-01-14T10:57:00.001-05:00

I'm doing everything the way you would have done.

Your Definition of a Friend

2009-11-06T20:17:00.006-05:00

I find it insulting that after all the stuff I've willingly volunteered to do for you over the years, you've never considered me as a friend - and push me away when I ask you about your health. Never mind about the girlfriend crap... I mean - just a friend. And you've placed MANY people less deserving of that "title" above, around and over me.

It's funny to me now, that when I look back to those years - the more I did, the less you were impressed or cared, however, those "friends"/ex's/mistresses that did shit all - you respected and wanted in your life as a friend or more.

I shake my head as I write this - on what a GREAT FRIEND I WAS, thinking back to the numerous GST payment runs to Mississauga when you couldn't make it and leaving work early to do it before 4:00pm, asking for favours from my boss about your family's insurance claim, spending my weekends editing and transferring your O.R. manual to CD...just to name a few.

I think I asked you to look into winter tires for my old car and to have them changed while I was there in Niagara during convention for the week - but you couldn't even be bothered. However, spending days to make ridiculous equipment for your friends to use in their show - that was worth your time and energy. I could go on, but I wont.

I was a GREAT FRIEND to you... and you didn't even appreciate it. So I realize that you are absolutely right - "We can't be friends"... because you don't know how to be one to me!

P.S. your message to me on msn "Face the music - move on - I'm not proposing"...???? WTF!!! - You can't even be a friend, who would expect a proposal!?!

short forms for GRIN and SMILE....they are called 'winky' faces.

2009-10-17T17:57:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I know. But anything with the name 'winky' I find highly disturbing!

Feel hopeless and alone

2009-09-17T12:04:00.002-04:00

What can be worse...melancholy is a bitch!

Take him quickly...

2009-08-23T08:21:00.000-04:00

I’ve asked God to take my dad quickly. Is that cruel? I’m not sure. I can’t take seeing him like this any longer. The other day I stopped him from drinking Windex that I left for a moment...a moment on the kitchen counter. And yesterday, he lost his balance, fell backwards and hit his head on the nearby chair – right in front to of me. This is no way to live out one’s life…especially for my dad – his dignity is gone. He’s a good man, a loving man, who has provided his family with everything and more. He doesn’t deserve this kind of life - for his wife, his daughter nor PSW’s to be cleaning him, feeding him or looking after him so he doesn’t hurt himself.

I cleaned out the garage and basement of some of his stuff…had to do it. I know when the day comes – it will be hard enough, so I wanted to do some of it now, when there is no pressure and I can save some of the stuff that I think is worth keeping. Funny what he saved for so long and how clean and organized he was! I had a god cry when I finished as I didn’t ever imagine doing this so soon.

I even went thru all the photo albums and sorted out the ones of him. Next on my list is going with my mum to pick out a burial plot for the both of them. We should have done this a long time ago, but that’s ok.

I don’t want to be selfish and pray to have my father with me for as long as possible. He’s not the man he once was, he’s become a shell. To be honest, my dad died on Wednesday, May 28th, 2008 when he went missing for over 8 hours.

Ti voglio bene Papa! When it’s time for me to go, please be there waiting for me!

He’s slipping away so fast

2009-07-24T11:32:00.002-04:00

How do remove your father from his own home - a man that has worked for most of his life – into a nursing home? At a time where he should have been relaxing, enjoying his retirement, his grandchildren and his life.
There are moments of clarity where he understands what you are saying, he knows your name and responds to your questions or actions... most times, not.
It has to come down to his own safety and my mothers. If anything ever happened to my mother because of my Dad, or he hurt himself – I could never forgive myself.
Sometimes, I wish he couldn’t walk - that he would be in a wheel chair – that would solve a lot of our problems with him – but he’s physically healthy and in very good shape. I never imagined that my mom and I would have bruises because of his punching us out of frustration and anxiety.
Every time I look at him, it breaks my heart seeing him like this – the strongest person I’ve ever known – to be reduced to nothing.

How are you?

2009-06-17T16:08:00.000-04:00

I thought we both could use a friend to talk too.

.

2009-04-21T10:40:00.000-04:00

?

2009-04-17T15:38:00.000-04:00

Why does my life suck so much?

1, 2, 3, and even 4

2009-02-10T10:07:00.000-05:00

I never thought you wanted me out of your life that much!

When will you realize I’m the best girl that you’ve ever been with?!

2009-01-12T10:45:00.001-05:00

I love you with all my heart, but I want a secure and mature relationship.

And I miss sending you slutty and dirty messages.

I'm Worried

2008-12-19T08:34:00.002-05:00

I'm worried about my Dad.

And I'll admit, I'm worried about your alias name on the internet you are using and why.

Wanna Go To Walmart?

2008-12-10T08:36:00.002-05:00

Thank you having dinner ready for me when I walked in and especially for the fantastic ass fucking last night. Can you tell I wanted it?

I love knowing that it feels so good that you cum hard in my ass.

I'll get better at taking you in completely.

Dinner, Wine And A Fucking...What A Great Night And Morning!

2008-12-07T15:18:00.000-05:00

Your cock grows harder in my mouth and I roll my tongue over you. My head bobs between your thighs, fucking you with my mouth. I pause and suck hard on the head of your cock. I pull you deeper, sliding my tongue over you, letting you feel every part of my hot wet mouth. I pause again, sucking on your head again. No more, you lift me up from your cock and place me back on the bed. You want the control. You place your thick cock back in my mouth and start to thrust over and over until you need to fuck my pussy.

My thighs part willingly for you as you stand at the edge of the bed sliding my pussy towards your cock. A soft groan escapes from you as you enter my pussy...so sensual. My cunt aches at the sound of your soft groan.

What a good fucking you gave me baby...mouth, cunt and ass, just the way I like it.

What Gets You Aroused?

2008-12-05T08:49:00.002-05:00

My fingers run over your chest, down between your thighs, down over them and then back up. Each time my fingers press a little harder. You enjoy it when my fingers run up your back. My fingernails press softly, beginning to scratch you. Your cock throbs. Teasing you is arousing me.

I lean over you and let the tip of my tongue brush over the head of your cock. You gasp as my hot wet mouth wraps around the head of your cock. I hold the base of your cock and let my tongue run along the underside. My hand holds your cock in place. I want you hard. I want you so incredibly aroused. You raise your hand to grab my head to push me down on your hard thick cock... I open my mouth to let you in. I taste your saltiness.

I let my tongue run along your length before I allow you to sink further into my mouth. My hand moves gently fucking you as you slide deeper. I start to fuck your cock with my mouth. I feel grow harder as my fingers and tongue move over you. My tongue swirls and I push you to down my throat, letting your full length penetrate me. My other hand reaches down and cups your balls. I press against them, squeezing softly.

I straddle your thigh, letting my wet cunt rest against your leg.

You’ve had enough! You want to release your load in my mouth. I can feel your body tensing up and I start to suck faster knowing that you want to cum hard and now. Your soft groans are so arousing to me.

You release.

I’ve Been Lonely

2008-12-05T08:17:00.002-05:00

I've been lonely, thinking about you. I miss the smell of you on my skin. I miss the smell of sex in your room.

I'm feeling horny today. I want sex. I'm craving it. Do you feel it? My body wants your touch. It wants to feel your hands crawling up and down all over me. I don't want it sweet and gentle. I want to be fucked. I need you to fuck me. Will you? Will you give me what I need? Will you fuck me the way I want?

Thinking of you.

2008-11-27T14:15:00.000-05:00

You are my first thought in the morning when I wake up and my last thought before I go to bed...everyday...even when we were apart.

Cl*t Orgasm!

2008-11-26T08:38:00.003-05:00

That was AMAZING!!! Thank you honey! =)

I hope I can keep you satisfied in bed, because you certainly have me cumming back for more after each fuck! But that's NOT the only reason!

I was curious however...why my feet went numb?

This is an answer that I found:
Either you are having a very intense orgasm, or your body simply has a different reaction to clitoral stimulation. Everyone is different and not everyone reacts the same way to that type of stimulation.

Thank you...

2008-11-20T12:45:00.000-05:00

for trying!

I'm hoping.

I've Always Been 2nd Choice For You

2008-11-19T11:30:00.004-05:00

If I didn't make that dreaded phone call to Anna and she didn't pull the plung - you two would be together in some way...either as still fucking partners or more.

I loved to hear you moan...

2008-11-17T08:08:00.003-05:00

I love to hear you moan when you hold my head down on your cock and cum in my mouth…and that is why I want you to cum in my mouth as many times as you want.

Yesterday was perfect – a raw fucking as soon as I got there and the softness of the candle lit bathroom for us to fuck again! I saw everything that you put out for me…it made me melt!

Me, you and Benz – it felt good! Thank you!

P.S. Friday night was just as good, but last night was special to me.

I know this is only temporary… but for now, even thought the truth hurts like hell - I’ll come down to fuck you as much as I can.

Last Night Was One To Remember!

2008-11-13T08:27:00.002-05:00

My pussy is sore this morning from your fucking.

You have hurt me the most ...

2008-11-12T05:15:00.002-05:00

you have made me cry the most, and you have pissed me off the most...but I have always loved you the most.

I'm not going into work, instead working from home this morning until I can drive down to your place for a long dirty day!

I do get wet thinking about you and the women you've had in your bed and the fucking you gave them, and I do get wet when you tell me about it - I love the way you fuck!

But no matter how many other women there will be - I will be the one you will be fucking the most!

My pussy is aching for your cock... 2 o'clock can't come soon enough.

I've Told You Too Much?

2008-11-11T02:10:00.002-05:00

I think I have... and I am embarrassed.

I'm NOT Proud of the Way I've Been...

2008-11-08T03:28:00.006-05:00

I'm NOT proud that my legs spread so easily for you.

I'm NOT proud of the how my pussy gets so wet at just the thought of your cock thrusting in me.

I'm NOT proud that I spread my ass cheeks for you so that your cock can easily penetrate me.

I'm NOT proud of suggesting to suck your cock at your office. And I'm certainly NOT proud of myself for thinking of laying back on your desk and have your tongue in my pussy or leaning over your desk for you to finger my ass just before you fuck me hard.

I'm NOT proud of telling you that you can fuck my soft wet pussy and cum in my mouth.

I'm NOT proud of having you finger my pussy and ass and then fuck me while in the shower together.

I'm NOT proud of telling you how much I enjoy watching you fuck me.

I'm NOT proud that my pussy is so wet right now wanting your early morning hard cock to fuck me.

That is why our fucking has to stop.

Confessions of a Man Lost

2008-11-05T08:34:00.004-05:00

Your blog is still up. And I also check yours on a regular basis...even when I was trying to move on with someone else... but you never wrote there.

Was it the last time?

2008-10-29T10:17:00.004-04:00

My pussy was still throbbing as your fingers were in my ass felt tight and intense warming me up for what was to come. I could feel your cock in my mouth hard and waiting to fuck me once again.

You slowly slipped your fingers out of my ass and I came up from sucking you to kiss your lips, hungrily…and felt you give into the lust. I wanted you and I moaned for more.

As I spread my ass open for your waiting cock, you slipped right in with no hesitation.

I gasped as you pushed your cock into me and I began to ride.

That moment felt so good, but you wanted more as you flipped me over for a missionary ass fucking. You slid your cock in fully with the first thrust as I moaned as you began thrusting more. Feeling you release your cum in my ass felt so good.

We both deserve some good luck!

2008-10-27T10:57:00.003-04:00

Can't Wait

2008-10-15T14:44:00.001-04:00

to fuck you many times!

Reading Medusa?

2008-10-12T13:00:00.001-04:00

I thought you just read the post about sex.

"Love is like...

2008-10-11T08:50:00.005-04:00

"...a second-rate hotel, where all the luxury is in the lobby."

- someone right

Now... I do have my own set of BALLS!

2008-10-05T09:40:00.000-04:00

I Love You Papa!

2008-10-03T01:17:00.003-04:00

Seems like everyday you slip further away from me, from us. What will I do without you? Words can't describe how much I love you and I can't stand seeing you like this.
I will always have you in my heart. You are the only man that has ever loved me no matter what. You are the only gentleman that has always opened the door for me.
You are the only man in my heart.

Decisions

2008-09-27T10:13:00.001-04:00

What to do.

Sometimes...

2008-09-21T10:31:00.002-04:00

I just want to die.

When I was in 1st year university, I met this guy and dated him for a number of months. He broke it off for whatever reason. We kept in touch for awhile, and one day he recounted a story of a happily married couple he knew that do not "love" each other as husband and wife should, but got married because they got along so well and they had no one else. He wanted to marry for the same reasons and proposed over the phone while I was in Florida.

I said No.

A few months later I found out that he was living with some chick that he met a few weeks earlier.

Just what is it about me that can have long term relationships, but can't get anything more out of the relationship than just "I like you"!?

Funny, I've never, ever pictured myself walking down the church aisle to my own wedding and having a guy accept me for his wife. I've never picked up a wedding book or bridal magazine and think hmmm "I would want this and that for my wedding", because I have always known deep down in my soul that scenario would not happen and I would be alone.

I'm so afraid of failing, that is why I tend to stay in impossible relationships and try so hard at them - they won't turn into anything more that what it is - just a relationship.

In my previous life, I must have had a litter of children and married a few times and desperately wanted some solitude in my life... because I sure have it now - maybe a bit too much.

There's a reason for everything that happens to you... it would be nice if someone gave me a clue for my life.

Good to the Last Drop

2008-09-14T01:49:00.001-04:00

You were standing, and I knelt before you and widened my mouth around your cock.

When you stand in front of me, face-fucking me, your cock feels just so perfect down my throat. I moaned, sucking your head and running my fingernails down your legs.

You started to gently thrust in and out of my mouth, your cock now so hard. I moaned again pulling you out of my mouth and lapping around your balls.

God, writing about it right now has me wet again.

Grasping the back of my hair, you pulled me deep on your cock, my nose buried in your pubic hair, a low groan escaping your lips. I sucked hard, fighting the urge to gag on your thick cock.

I feel your ass tightened as you whisper “I'm gonna cum”. I suck harder as I hear you groan and you release in my mouth.

Pulling me to my feet, you kissed me softly.

I’m dripping now. I’m dripping like the night before last, all over your cock as you filled me.

Tomorrow nite......

2008-09-09T20:10:00.003-04:00

I wrap my arms around you as your hands work down my body and I can feel my panties fall to the floor.

You lift me, lay me down on the bed and spread my legs to get a view of my wet pussy. I spread the lips with one hand and with the other run my finger up and down my clit. Two fingers go in and I start to moan.

You give me one sweet wet lick and pull away to the nearby chair and sit while rubbing your cock.

You keep on stroking your thick cock and tell me to come for a long hard ride.

I come over and straddle you and place the head of your cock in me and slowly fuck you - while not taking all of you.

You can't take it anymore of the teasing and push me down to take in all of you - and I let out a moan.

You're sucking my nipples and holding my ass while I'm fucking you.

You suddenly hold me by the waist and carry me to the nearby bed.

While holding my legs around your shoulders and you keep on thrusting long and hard until you no longer can hold it and you release your hot cum.

STELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLA!

2008-09-06T07:14:00.004-04:00

She's white as a pearl outside and black as night inside...angel-like on the outside, and dark and devious on the inside - just like ME!

My Bed MOVED...and NOT in a good way!

2008-08-10T08:09:00.000-04:00

I Craved It...

2008-07-27T23:20:00.006-04:00

I guess I didn’t NEED to have sex that night. I just craved it. I wanted direction. I wanted someone to take full ownership of me.

Everything began to fade away - the room, the bed, the light. It’s just me and him, as we slip into the 69 position. He quickly had me quivering from his constant sucking of my clit and as my mouth is completely filled with his cock.

As I deep throated his cock, he began to play with my ass hole, then forcing his fingers into me. His fingers also slipping into my tight cunt as I kept sucking him slowly, while thinking about how tight his cock will feel inside me.

He entered me slowly, filling me fully, feeling my pussy slide around his cock, begging for more, and I definitely wanted more. He’d been fingering my bum with lube; however I wasn’t sure if I was ready for him to enter, but I know he wanted you to.

Mmmm... as he positioned himself behind me and placed my leg into position and my heart began to pound. He placed his cock at the edge of my ass hole, slowly entering. I buried my face in a pillow, moaning as he gently pushed in. He fucked me slowly, deeply, as he rubbed my clit, increasing the speed. I spread my ass cheeks open as he began to pump deeper in me. I moan as he holds my thighs, fucking my ass fast and hard.

He knew I was ready for a full ass fucking now that he worked me in. He rolled out from behind me and grabbed my legs and pulled me to the edge of the bed.

He plunged his cock, slick from the lube into my ass again, making me gasp, it hurt a bit...but it still felt so fucking good. He began to pump in and out of my ass and grabbing my hips to thrust. I buried my face in a pillow, moaning, as he fucked me hard, and I felt him cum into me. He groaned with pleasure, his pumps dying down, and breathing heavily, we sunk into one another, sweaty and exhausted. He wiggles out of me and collapses on the bed beside me.

I got what I craved.

Who's that fluffy bundle of love...

2008-07-07T09:40:00.004-04:00

It's PRINCESS YAY!

Here's Princess the dog - Matt Stone and Trey Parker's first ever cartoon.

Part 1 - PRINCESS Hears a Strange Noise:
http://www.spschat.com/Shocked/ep01.swf

Part 2 - PRINCESS Meets Officer Friendly:
http://www.spschat.com/Shocked/ep02.swf

Shocked--The Story Behind "Princess":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBXdytZymts&eurl=http://www.youtube.com/user/Princcceeesss

I remember one evening...

2008-07-05T15:46:00.000-04:00

When my hands went crawling up your thighs, under your shorts and you leaned back in the armchair.

I pulled down your shorts and boxers and you kicked out of them, exposed before me. You stroked my hair as I gently put your half aroused cock in my mouth, working it with my tongue, suckling gently.

You moaned and began to grow down my throat. I sucked harder, savoring every moment of it, wanting more. My nails lightly scratched up and down your thighs before massaging your boys gently.

You picked me up and carried me to your bed. My pussy began to drip as you walked to the bedroom. Once in bed, I placed myself on top of you and my mouth around your now rock-hard cock. I swirled my tongue around and sucked harder as you slowly began to push my head toward your pelvis, forcing yourself farther down my throat. I let out a moan, so happy to be sucking your thick cock.

You reached over and placed your hand between my legs, pushing my panties to one side. Your finger danced on my clit, played with my juices. You thrust your hips upwards, hitting the back of my throat with the tip of your cock. Mmmmm….I moaned again, I began to bob my head, sucking, gasping for air, deep throating you as far as I could… until the moment came that you released your cum into my mouth.

The worst 24 hrs of my life

2008-05-30T20:09:00.002-04:00

My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's more than a year ago. There haven't been any major situations dealing with my dad, however that changed on Wednesday afternoon when he went for his usual afternoon walk and never came home. He was lost for over 8 hours! He left the house at 1:00 p.m. and was found at 8:30 p.m.

I alerted police, family and neighbours at 5:00 p.m., however it was like trying to find a needle in a hay stack!

A woman walking found my dad standing on the side walk by her home. His walking was unstable and when the woman approached my dad, he asked her if she could call a cab or bus to take him home.

We decided to have him taken to the hospital because we weren't sure if he had fallen and he looked dehydrated.

I checked him in at 9:30 p.m. Wednesday night and we came home at 4:00 p.m. on Thursday - 19 very long hours in the hospital with my Dad.

Today, he's back to his old self, and I'm burnt out.

I'm going to bed!

P.S. I am so proud of my family - they came through at a moments notice to help. One cop joked by asking if we were having a mercedes convention at my house with so many cars lined up on the street. Another cop said that a couple of my uncles looked... shady! LOL!

One Year Ago Today....

2008-05-06T12:15:00.001-04:00

Everything changed....Happy Anniversary to you.

About Your Comments...

2008-03-04T05:49:00.003-05:00

If you really think I take a sick joy out of ANY misfortune that you are going through, you are sadly mistaken!

I guess you really never knew me...

THE END!

2007-08-28T10:14:00.000-04:00

Note to Self

2007-08-26T09:32:00.000-04:00

Stop sticking my nose where it doesn't belong!!!!!!!!

What A Morning!

2007-08-17T09:43:00.000-04:00

At 7:45 a.m. I threw my Tim Hortons medium-size coffee at the guy in the next car to mine... his window was rolled down and the coffee spilled in his passenger side seat... I think I may have got him soaked as well! :)

Why??

He called me a F*%&^% WHORE!

I have no idea who this guy was, except for the fact that HE DESERVED IT!

I'll tell more later.

BTW, I'll be taking a different route to work next week! LOL!

EDIT: OK, as I mentioned above, I was on my way to work, bought my coffee and everything seemed fine on this Friday moring... until I reached the intersection of a certain side street I take to work in order to miss the morning traffic on Yonge St.

I noticed a woman with 2 small boys - one she was carrying in her arms, the other was about 4 or 5 yrs old and was hold his mothers hand while crossing the intersection. I approached the intersection and veered towards the bus stop so that I could make my right-hand turn. As I'm approaching, I can see the woman with the 2 kids walking across the intersection turned towards the man in a mini-van / SUV that was located in the right and saying "Thank you so much, Thank you again". However, I noticed she was saying it a sarcastic voice.

Whatever, right?

Ha!

Now my windows are half-way down, so when I stopped my car, I looked at who she was talking to and there is this youngish guy, slim - non-threatening looking, leaning over his arm-rest and yelling at her "That's right you fucking Whore, you're nothing but a Whore!"

The woman did not come out of his car, and I really doubt they knew each other...so I gave him that raised one eyebrow look... you know the one. He then yells at me... "Yah, you're a f*&^* Whore...!" he continued to say something else - but at that point I was pressing the button to lower my driver-side window and was reaching for my coffee cup with my right hand!

Well, in my true form - I threw the cup of coffee at his window that was 3/4 down, the cup kinda flips in and the top of the cup flips open and the coffee spills in his passenger side seat - and I'm pretty sure I got him as well!

I then turned right down the street and luckily for me, there were a few more cars in back of me that were making a right-hand turn as well. I then made a few more turns down different streets to ensure he didn't follow me. I made it safely to work, bought myself another coffee - however, my day was shot to hell!

Oh well, as everyone has told me - "good thing he didn't have a gun"!

When I'm in my car - I'm a fearless, 5' 1, 105 pound Italian girlie!

I WANT a TRUNK MONKEY!

10 Hot Chicks!

2007-07-25T05:13:00.001-04:00

From Elementary School to Now... we all turned out awesome!

Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli!

2007-07-05T14:55:00.000-04:00

Over the years, I've lost interest in watching and keeping up-to-date with The Sopranos, however, I can never get enough of watching Tony Soprano eating... I LOVE HOW THAT MAN EATS and shuffles his spaghetti around on his plate before he eats it!!

Last night I watched another "marathon" on TV of The Sopranos and ended up making Spaghetti al'oglio at midnight... damn it was good!

This just proves the fact...you can’t have a good mobster film without good food!

There Was a Time When...

2007-06-28T01:24:00.000-04:00

...you actually gave a shit about me, when you did show me even the littlest things that meant a lot! A time when you would give me your undivided attention, and not make excuses that you have to run and cut our conversation short because someone or something else had your attention. A time when you really DID know me! There was a time when I WAS IMPORTANT TO YOU! But, that was the first time around... this second time, you really didn't give a shit, you didn't even try to come see me at my home, never asked me "how are you?" and really mean it by not switching the conversation to about YOU!

Steph, I've been reading all the past emails you've sent me... from the beginning - starting from the invite to EB Greens over 4 years ago, and can clearly see over the hundreds of emails when you stopped thinking of me and where I started hanging onto merely threads.

You can't explain what happened... so I guess I must find out for myself.

Did you ever ask yourself why you kept me around for so long???

You haven't realized that I let you have an "open" relationship with me??? I knew you were denying being in a relationship with me over and over again, I knew you cheated on me... and I let it go, without much fuss until Sunday, May 6th!

Once again, you have past girlfriends that you once loved back in your life... and the circle continues for you, and you deleted me from Facebook and whatever else, as YOUR closure! There is no closure for me yet.... because I can't erase the past 4 years and feelings I have for you. I guess you can do so more easily, because it was over for you a long time ago... you just didn't care to tell me or it would haven taken too much effort on your part to do it.

BTW... you never returned my call on a Wednesday evening 3 weeks ago... I didn't leave a message, but I'm sure you saw my missed call at some point. You just can't be bothered with me!

Don't Stop Believing?

2007-06-12T23:31:00.000-04:00

I'll never stop believing in you!

But right now, I have to run away.

Ciao.

EDIT: I wish I could turn back time...

Too Cute!

2007-06-07T23:22:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, my 8 yr. old nephew was sent to his room and was told to read for the rest of the day as punishment because earlier he knocked over a planter with his bike and broke it.

Apparently, he could hear his friends playing outside, and of course - that would be torture for any kid. He cried and cried until finally he wrote a note and slipped it under the door to the hallway:

" Dear Mom and Dad, tomorrow I'm leaving.
Thank you for feeding me.
I love you.
Good bye
Michael"

I Want to be Laughing Again, Instead of Crying!

2007-05-31T02:49:00.000-04:00

How do you get over the feeling of being fucked-over? I placed him before myself, compromised myself, and gave everything I could give more than anyone else ever gave him... and all for what? It was All for LOVE.

How do you get over the hurt when nothing has been done to even remotely impress me that he is truly sorry? What's done is done - I can't change the past, however, all the times I've forgiven him, all the times that I have pushed away and ignored what happened and the constant lying - has come down upon me all at once.

I know he probably doesn't know what to say - and there's probably nothing to say.... however, what rings over and over in my head is what he DID say when I confronted him.

I just WANT/NEED answers...I think I'm having a nervous breakdown!

I've been having some interesting dreams: attending his funeral where I was the only one crying my eyes out and no one else, not even his family giving a shit about him - his friends and family are just standing there like statues; in the casket - he only has half a face and people questioning if that is really him and I'm pointing out that it is him - "don't you know him, don't you recognize him!" I kept on saying. The meaning of these dreams.... the death part - is a new birth for him, and the half face - because he's a 2 faced person - I identified the "other" side of him that no one else really knows about.... or... it's the urge I have to hit him in the face.

Funny, a month or so ago, he mentioned he had a weird dream that night - that he was "walking a tight rope." In reality, he really was! How prophetic!

I woke up tired and my eyes actually felt like I was crying all night.

Relaxing Vacation... NOT!

2007-05-23T10:35:00.000-04:00

I forced myself to take time off from work this week... I wanted/needed time to myself. Well, lets see:

I suddenly developed a rash over 50% of my body...so I have to visit my Dr. again this week and wait for over 1 hr in the waiting room.
My back is killing me.
Been constipated for weeks.. so my stomach is bothering me.
Been with my Dad to the car auto body shop because the back wheel almost came off on Saturday after he drove into a pot hole... and had to explain to him why they were charging him over $1400.00 to repair it, and last but not least....
I been going "flower" shopping with my mother for the past 3 mornings and have visited every f**king little Italian grocery store, Costco and plant nursery in the GTA, and she is still NOT FINISHED!

This is complete torture!!!

Driving myself into a brick wall sounds really good right now! Or, as my mother used to say to me... "drive me to the subway station so I can throw myself in front of the train!"

In the End...

2007-05-15T18:33:00.000-04:00

I was told that I "lead the Pig to the trough!"

I AM responsible for him cheating on me because I was pressuring him to tell me how he FEELS ABOUT ME after 4 1/2 years together!

What's even more disturbing is that he was more concerned about his mistress' feelings of being hurt and freaking out than my own!

So tomorrow...I have to go thru telling my doctor to test for ANY and EVERY possible STD including AIDS!!!

Did you really think the two of you would fuck with MY LIFE and I'd sit back and do NOTHING!?

THANK YOU for destroying me!

Ciao

2007-05-13T14:57:00.000-04:00

To you too....

I hoped it would have been different.

FIN.

Mr. Hindsight

2007-05-12T14:53:00.000-04:00

Mr. Hindsight, Bastard Extraordinaire!
(the following is "borrowed" from another blog... couldn't have said it any better!)

Ah, hindsight. What a dickhead, right? Personified, he’d be the guy that says “I told you so,” whilst guffawing at how absolutely idiotic you were for not taking cue or clue from all the instinct and logic you supposedly posses. He’s the guy that smiles wryly when you sob “I knew this would happen!”, as though he could’ve told you but just didn’t bother so he could experiment with how suicidally fucked-over you might get. He’s a smug, snide bastard of cuntish proportion.

He’s also a liar.

Someone made the comment to me, the other day; about how the good memories of a relationship can become utterly painful to think about, after you’ve had your heart minced slowly apart by the person that gave them to you. If you’ve had your heart minced apart by someone that gave you special memories, then perhaps you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, well, you know – sod off.

So what’s going on here? Why is that memory of him ... now such a painful thing to think about? What fucked it up? What in the name of Christendom is preventing you from enjoying that memory again? Is the human condition so unbelievably contradictory and illogical that you are fucked up with an inherency that is total and infinite?

Yes, yes it is. But that’s not why. It’s not even his fault. Sure, he took your soul and carved the little symbols of the Necronomicon into it with a red-hot, blunt bread-knife, but that’s a totally separate incident to him hugging you that way in bed. Why are you mingling the evil memories with the good ones? Why? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THAT?

Enter, Mr. Hindsight. Swinging a cane made from the thousand truths you hide from, doffing a hat made of mirrors, and grinning like a cunt. He’s the one that meshes the memories of good and bad. He’s the one that doesn’t let you think “we shared moments that were perfect”, instead making you think “we shared some moments that were perfect, and then he fucked it all up! How didn’t I see it coming!? He never loved me, and I fell for it – everything we ever did, ever said was a lie, with the break-up always on the horizon”. He taints the good memories with the bad, and not the other way around. And then he makes you think you’re stupid. And you bow humble at his cloven feet.

Not that all of us bow. Some have tamed his sharp eyesight and commentary. Some have stopped him meddling in memories and thoughts that don’t concern him. But not all of us. And when it comes to catastrophic heartbreak, he comes hurtling out of nowhere to aid your confusion and help you understand. Because when we’re fucked over, we automatically turn to him for help. Unfortunately, all the while, he’s just fucking us up even more.

Good memories are memories of things that were good at the time – so dwell on them as such, and without considering the massive fuckeries that happened after they happened.

If hindsight tries to come into play, try belting him in the fucking jugular. It won't stop him, but he really is a cunt.

What DO YOU Want From ME??

2007-05-11T06:20:00.000-04:00

Do not doubt how much this hurts!! I've ALWAYS BELIEVED in you and that one day you would stop lying to me. But you started looking for someone BETTER and it was NEVER ME! I understand that now!!! And I can't go on this merry-go-round again. The only reason you are around here is because you feel bad about what happened last Sunday... like you wrote - you refuse to feel love just sorrow when you hurt someone!

You have someone else that you've pursuing/pining for many years - you and ANNA have the same interests in work and I'm sure she'll get along with the way you are at play. She's the one you chose willingly! Go and be with her and FORGET ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You will always succeed in the business you choose to pursue... you HAVE already! Work has always been more important to you than anyone else... so i can see how Anna has always been in your heart. And to be honest - if it wasn't her - it would have been Teresa because you two worked together in that bar you had a while back.

We had nothing in common when it came to your work. I'm a city girl that tried to show you that I could belong where you are. At times I would ask if you needed help with stuff... just to show you that I can "work" with you... but you've always said that you didn't need any help or that you would do it yourself.

I couldn't help but call your Mom to tell her that it was over between us and to congratulate her on becoming a grandmother. In a way, I wished it was me, but ONLY if you really wanted it.

Good things do come to an end... and sadly, you made the decision to end it with me! But, to be honest, I know now you didn't love me - maybe as a friend but nothing more.

I wish with my whole heart that you did.

P.S. I can NEVER hate you, but ALWAYS LOVE YOU!

How Do You...

2007-05-09T02:08:00.000-04:00

Erase the images of him cheating on you, how do you erase the images of him acting like you were invisible in his bed, but treats her like a woman by touching and caressing and making her melt with pleasure with him inside her. That the last time he made "love" to me, he most likely had ANNA on his mind!

How do you erase the images constantly in your mind?

I've come to the conclusion that I'm the one who is emotionally retarded.

Being Honest

2007-03-29T18:46:00.000-04:00

If I died in your arms... would you stop lying to me?

It's MY Year...Year of the Boar!

2007-02-26T06:11:00.000-05:00

Intellectually curious, honest and tolerant, those born in the Year of the Pig can be relied upon for their loyalty and often make true friends for life.

Like the knights of old, Pigs are often highly regarded for their chilvary and pureness of heart, and will often sacrifice their own well-being for the greater good.

The Pig can be very naive, however, and may easily fall victim to the unscrupulous who take advantage of their idealistic nature - as Pigs see everyone as loyal and caring as they are. Although forced to play the fool many times, they will just as likely hold fast to the notion that everyone is at heart decent and admirable.

Stubbornly optimistic, the Pig will not tolerate those with well-meaning advice on how to be a Pig, but since they dislike quarreling and discord their anger usually cools quickly. Sometimes looked upon as a snob, the Pig just finds it right and natural to exhibit good manners whenever possible. Their main goal in life is in serving others, and no matter how difficult circumstances become the Pig will never waiver or retreat, forging ahead in the sure knowledge that all will be well.

Pig people love to read, are generally thirsty for knowledge, and not readily talkative, but if presented with an opportunity to discuss topics of interest with like-minded individuals Pigs may find themselves talking non-stop for hours!

People born in the Year of the Pig are trusted associates in whatever career they happen to choose.

I think it's going to snow...

2007-02-11T22:20:00.000-05:00

I’m tired and stressed. When I’m both of these things I can go from 0-tears in under 10 seconds. I was on the verge of them for the past few days. I want to be held while I have a good cry. I’ll even settle for just being held. I know neither of those things will happen. The next best thing is curling up under as many blankets as possible and watch a movie.

P.S. I use this blog to express shit that I'm too embarrassed to tell friends... my MANY happy times I tend to tell others, but not here so much... that's why this blog seems like such a downer!

And to top it all off, I made a complete fool of myself by telling him that that he DOES love me, that's why he's been with me for so long.... he really didn't agree with me.

That is all.

The Truth takes Time

2007-01-13T01:10:00.000-05:00

Lying awake pondering it and its validity in my life. What is truth? Is there even absolute truth? I know that truth for myself takes time to realize whatever the hell it is because I bury it in my own personal bullshit so I don’t have to think about it.

Truth, something when I was a staunch believer of christianity I preached, yet the analyst within me constantly questioned.

Truth, something I was running from constantly because the truth hurts. There is no grey area where truth is concerned, and yes, it does take time to reveal it, let alone to accept it.

I want the truth without having to always ask for it.

A picture is worth a thousand words!

2006-12-04T18:14:00.000-05:00

I concede!

The PS3 Launch Has Come and Gone

2006-11-24T20:22:00.000-05:00

Not having waited out in line in the cold and dark, I read the stories about people waiting 24 hours or more. What I find interesting, if the news reports are accurate, is that most of the people who were waiting in line had no intention to actually keep it for themselves, but rather put it on EBay or Craigslist, where they'll offer it in exchange for thousands of dollars and/or sexual favors.

So there are people who will essentially pay others thousands of dollars to wait in line for them. If I'm going to stand in the cold for hours, it's not going to be for someone else.

Some people, however, were even further ahead of the curve. I've read reports from Japan, the UK, and the US, that people have hired the homeless to stay in line for them for this high-end toy. In a way, this makes sense because it's not like they weren't going to be outside in the middle of the night anyway.

This says something about society. In this time of broadening gaps between the haves and have-nots, where people face a daily struggle for survival, I wonder if I'm doing my share. What is my responsibility?

I have had to face an uncomfortable question:

Am I doing all that I can to exploit the homeless?

Isn't there something that I can avoid doing by harnessing the power of the less fortunate?

Holiday parking is always a hassle. Can't I slip a guy a dollar or two to squat in the choice parking places at the mall?

Sure I may have to deal with their hygienic issues or endure a little conspiracy talk, messages from God, or real or imagined flashbacks to Vietnam, but if I can get them to trade a little bit of their dignity for a couple of bucks, I think it'll all be worth it.

What the Hell is a BUCKSHOT?

2006-11-20T22:36:00.000-05:00

I have a friend that is a teacher, and she's currently teaching lessons on sex-ed. They have a question box where students put anonymous questions in, which will be answered/discussed during each session.

Here are some questions from 12-13 olds:

Why don't kids get their period?

What are breast stickers for?

What is a boner?

Can you get pregnant from getting buckshots? (if anyone can help me out with this one I'd be grateful)

Do guys like having sex more than girls?

Is it possible to control how many babies you give birth to?

What does breast milk taste like?

How do you put in a tampon? What if the string breaks?

If you go swimming, doesn't water travel up it?

Why do we have to learn about boys?

Can two sperm fuse together?

When can we learn about girl parts?

He Almost Said IT!

2006-11-17T23:54:00.000-05:00

It was close.. but no cigar!

We talked with a lot of tears flowing, and I almost got the answer about how he feels about me.

And still other questions not answered... and that still scares me. However, we are now moving in a positive direction.. towards a future.

I hope we make it... I still have hope and love! I love him for the person he is deep down inside the good and the bad - no matter what!

Maybe...

2006-11-03T01:41:00.000-05:00

I'm not the one.

If there's nothing to hide... why are there different answers? and why is he denying he's in a relationship?

No, I'm NOT stupid!

High's and Low's

2006-10-25T08:41:00.000-04:00

For the past few weeks I've been running on adrenalin - planning one of the best conventions in the company's history! The excitement of having our Prime Minister attend was thrilling! Everything went off perfectly!

I was feeling on TOP of the world... this is my time to shine on all levels of my life... or so I thought! I came to realize how much my personal life is more important than work. That HIS feelings for me mean everything...I was convinced that he does love me... but I'm sure now he just has a "fondness" for me, and I have a love for him.

I’ve been reading too much into the little things when there was nothing to read into. The talks about buying a house or renovating his current house is so he can have a dog once again and more room for his cars and bikes... nothing about me, nothing about us. Then again, in 4 years, we've never talked about us or about me.

HA, and I thought this was going to be MY year!

Now, the adrenalin is gone, I'm sick with a cold that I've been fighting off for the past few weeks and I’m at an all time low!

I don't like living in limbo.

2006-10-15T16:22:00.000-04:00

One of my flaws: I like to have all my ducks in line per se.

Where Are You Goin'?

2006-09-23T01:34:00.000-04:00

It just seems that everyone's lives are moving in different directions - good directions. Some are looking for a new home, some are pregnant, some have a new job... mine is just not going anywhere!

I realize that "life is what YOU make it!", I just can't seem to make it or moreso waiting for something to happen that never will. I DO appreciate all that I have and I consider myself a lucky lady - but it has just become so apparent when in conversation with others that I really can't contribute anything - anything new, interesting or intelligent. I just tend to fade away.

I am soooo pathetic!

What’s Up Pussy Cat?

2006-09-10T11:02:00.000-04:00

I need a new infusion of something. Perhaps I need to go to the Costco of blogs, something cheap, easy and accessible. Something bigger and larger than me to write its own stories. Something with a great value. Something worth a damn. Something that blares music and gets me out of bed to write.

I sat up late last night full of acidic wine and carbs. I listened to music, spoke in crazy moon languages online and tried to think back to a time when inspiration was easy to find, harness and re-work into something tangible.

You can't touch my words, you can't eat them up and spit them out and belch out to me a thanks, but you can flip through various web pages, hoping to nibble on a piece of my mind. I just don't feel so tasty these days.

I've eaten my lunch for breakfast and I'm holding off brushing my teeth as to not mess with the cheesy goodness this macaroni is trying hard to offer up to me. That's the kind of person I am.

My jeans are freshly washed and tighter than if I just inhaled two Big Macs and a milkshake. Great way to start off the morning!

I'm still spinning at the gym - I have a 2-hour spinning class next week and I don't think I'm prepared.

I'm working. I have no big plans. I have no hidden agendas or mysteries stuffed in my back pocket. Another year is going by too fast - I hope the rest of this year is filled with twinges of hope lined with the element of surprise and expectation.

Work is work. I've been called smart AND beautiful by one of my Board members and I feel good there.

Romantically the seas are calm.

That’s my world for today.

Do I have to say more than "ICK"?

2006-09-07T19:28:00.000-04:00

It's the Weeniecello! Hot Dog Infused Vodka!

This pretty much sums up what I'm feeling about now.

Scary.

Then again, I think the concept of weiner and booze is better than that of weiners on a dowel... a "Pogo" that is!

Stingray - 1 : Crocodile Hunter - 0

2006-09-05T12:10:00.000-04:00

As you surely have heard, Steve Irwin, better known as the Crocodile Hunter, died yesterday. The Australian was not killed by a crocodile, but rather a stingray, while filming the documentary Ocean's Deadliest.

Much to the pleasure of the internet's creepy side, Irwin's death was caught on video. Apparently, the tape shows him pulling the stingray's barb from his chest before dying. I would never advocate watching such a thing (sober), but the video doesn't yet seem to be online! Not because it's too soon... no such thing on the internet! But because it'll take some time for some Aussie assistant to steal a copy. But how long will the pervs have to wait?

How long until the Irwin video makes it online?

One Week?

One Day?

Just give it a few hours for the email with the attachement?

Makes Me Smile!

2006-09-01T18:06:00.000-04:00

Me hearing a voice I don't get to hear often enough that makes me smile.

The kind of smile that comes from the inside out.

Old friends are true wonderment.

We learn that moments of silence are o.k.

We've pretty much said it all over the years.

"Why are these people your friends?"

"Because they knew me before."

"Before what?"

.....before everything...."

Once Taken as A FOOL, Always Taken as A FOOL!

2006-08-25T00:02:00.000-04:00

And I'm NOT!

Too Lazy & Too Tired to Blog!

2006-08-24T00:51:00.000-04:00

I'll admit, I've been too lazy to blog these past few weeks, and too busy at work and hence too tired to do anything.

At work, the drama has been escalating with the move to the new office building, and my nerves are rattled with the increased parking fee....grrrr!

At play, for the most part, it's been good and I've been happy with my life and my love. I've been too scared to even mention it... for fear it would stop... but it hasn't stopped! Yay!

My Daily Reads...

2006-08-12T12:43:00.000-04:00

It's WONDERMARK!

Pillars, Knockers, and Arches... Oh MY!

2006-08-04T20:13:00.000-04:00

Yes, columns or pillars along with arches adds an element of magnificence to any room in your house... and you can never have too many of them - well, that's my opinion.

The door knockers are just fun to have!

I'm still looking for the perfect house... so far, I haven't seen any with pillars!!

Wedding centre piece anyone?

2006-07-26T20:02:00.000-04:00

I forgot to mention that I attended a wedding on Saturday, and I'm happy to report that my side of the family didn't "walk out" with any centre pieces.

Hey, we're Italian... if it aint bolted to the table... it's up for grabs!!

I Have A Lot To Say...

2006-07-20T11:47:00.000-04:00

And at the same time, nothing to say... Because I don't know where to start. I'm feeling stressed out from all sides, and no one really giving a shit.... Thanks!

Anyone wanna get drunk with me?? Anyone wanna go away with me?? No? I didn't think so.

Having 2 Worlds.. maybe even 3 or 4...

2006-07-07T15:35:00.000-04:00

Trying to bring them together... slowly, without destroying them... because that would destroy him - it would destroy us! And I don't want that to happen!!

But at times, it seems like an impossible task when knowing that I don't even exist in the other worlds... how can I bring them together?? The more I think about it... the more hurt I feel.

But, I'm NOT giving up!! I love him too much to give up!

I AM MARIA CRISTINA... and I DO EXIST!

Me, Myself and I

2006-07-05T12:53:00.000-04:00

At my worst, I can be:
* When angry I silently seethe until prodded to boil over, and once provoked I am quick to anger;
* Critical;
* Unyielding;
* Picky;
* Evasive;
* STUBBORN!

At my best, I am:
* Passionate;
* Understanding;
* Reliable;
* Always a Friend!

I am also:
* Afraid of failure;
* Afraid of abandonment;
* Afraid of boredom;
* Afraid of humiliation;
* Afraid of making the wrong decision;
* Afraid of not doing the right thing by those I care about and love;
* Afraid of losing those I care about and love;
* Afraid of losing my identity;
* Afraid of ending up on life support.

My dark past (things I did, and moments that affect who I am today) include:
* Being afraid of relationships... but willing to try.
* Lashing out with rage, releasing my anger by throwing whatever object is at hand.
* Partying until I could no longer remember.
* Stayed in a 5+ year relationship when I was in my 20's because I was manipulated into staying with him, and I was blind to the fact that he could never stimulate my mind. And because of him, I learned that without ambition, a goal is empty. All the bruises were mental as well as physical. For too long I let him shape who I was mentally and physically, nearly stripping me of my self, thus creating one of my fears.
* Getting too involved in a friends criminal past... that it almost turned me into one.
* Killing a part of me - now I am only half.
* There is more... maybe next time...

My oddities are:
* Self-doubt and negative image of self at times, which I strive to hide.
* Tendency to compare myself to other women in a group and take note of where I think I am lacking.
* I can hold a grudge for years.
* I have a difficult time forgiving and forgetting - But when I do, it is with complete conviction.
* I refuse to apologize if I do not mean it. EVER.
* I over analyze at times and am particular about proper use of words, even though I am far from perfect.
* I sometimes wallow in my own darkness, letting my muse take me down dark paths that materializes in images and words. Sadly, most of the time, these bits of art are burned ceremoniously, only to be reborn like a Phoenix into some new bit of writing.

I rarely admit that:
* I am a sensuous being, and not afraid to try most anything at least once - you never know until you try.
* ‘Adult boutiques’ are not places one should have to sneak in an out of.
* I have a penchant for corsets.
* I am a wicked flirt, just not obvious about it most of the time.
* I love sex... a lot!
* My mind floats merrily in the sewer sometimes.
* Don’t be surprised by a giggle or thinly veiled smirk at something innocuous you have said.

Other Bits of Note:
* I will gladly answer any question you ask of me, it just may not be the answer you wish for and I will not volunteer.
* I will always answer to the best of my knowledge.
* Although I won’t sugar coat it, I might soften what I say sometimes.
* I have a notebook littered with words and names that capture my fancy.
* Writing is necessary to my sanity.
* When my muse speaks, I MUST answer.
* I am loyal to a fault!
* Do not threaten or get between my family and I - your chances would be better tangling with an injured dragon.
* Books are a weakness – which I have abandoned for a few years – but now I have regained. I count my library among my treasures.
* Automobiles fascinate me and can spend hours at a show.
* Although I could enjoy hours lulled by glistening waves and glittering sand, my soul finds peace in the grassy rolling hills among majestic trees.

In the end…
* I offer you my support and my understanding.
* I offer you my sworn oath.
* To be your herald, your guide, your jester and your champion!
* I swear to give you the benefit of the doubt and to meet you halfway.
* I shall give you my friendship, my honesty and my love.
* I shall be your confidante and advisor whenever you have need.
* I shall give you all I have to offer, all I ask is that you accept me for what I am and betray not my trust.
* For the true wonders of the ages are self-realization, trust, friendship and love.

My Heart Goes BOOM, BOOM...BOOM

2006-06-25T18:38:00.000-04:00

For a couple of years now, my heart has been skipping a beat. The arrhythmia may last for a few moments, to a few hours, to a few days and then nothing for a few months. However, recently it's happening more than usual. I guess its time to find out what’s wrong... meh. Funny how the one thing that drives me in life and love... might be the one thing that... well, I won't go there because I'm sure its nothing to worry about, but something to think about and get it checked out!

I hate/fear doctors… and for that matter clowns too!! Where the hell did a clown come from?? I saw a clown this afternoon at a strip mall that was having a carnival thing going on... again heart arrhythmia going on!!

What freaks me out most about them… the makeup - you are suppose to believe that this is a happy person, with a goofy grin always planted upon their face...but beneath the makeup could be the world's most evil man/woman you will ever know. And those damn shoes...I don't know what it is about those shoes but they scare me. Man, they freak me out.Someone else said this...and I totally agree. They sense fear...no kidding!! If a clown knows you don't like them (at carnivals, circuses, etc.) they attach themselves to you. You cannot get away from them. AT ALL. Why is this???

PS - I am happy to know I am not alone in this phobia!

Self Esteem

2006-06-08T01:25:00.000-04:00

Why is it that loving/caring words are the hardest words to say? And the cruel ones are the easiest...?

Invasion 2006

2006-06-02T19:00:00.000-04:00

You know it is summer when the ants invade the house. I think I killed at least 40 of the bastards with my fingers tonight. There is something therapeutic about squishing the life out of a helpless, yet obnoxious insect. The sad part is this is only the beginning. The worst is yet to come.

The rest of the army – I’ve been sucking up with the vacuum… yah, I know they’re still alive in there!!

Little fuckers!

Second Coming?

2006-05-30T00:12:00.000-04:00

Maybe David Blain is the second coming of Jesus.

David Blain could be the son of God (if that is who you choose to believe in). I am serious here, let’s recap all of Jesus’ miracles: Walk on water - Healed the sick - Turned water into wine - Died for the sins of mankind etc.

Ok, so I saw David on his TV show last night:
* Filled and sealed an empty AND crushed beer can with BEER! He does this again with an empty Coca Cola can.
* Stood on a 100’ pillar for 35 hours, then jumped into a bunch of cardboard boxes
* Made a wine glass shatter with his mind
* Levitate
* Reached through a plate glass window to get a woman’s watch back that he stole off of her wrist.
* Hammers a nail all the way through a board with his bare hand. (ironic huh?)
* A young boy's fear of snakes is overcome by him (David/Jesus) eating a small snake and it reappearing in the boy's backpack.
* Made a dead fly come back to life in the hands of a cop.

Seriously what if this is the missing parts of the bible. We have no idea what Jesus did from about 12-30ish years of age. Maybe he spent those years doing “magic” and fooling people with his “miracles” and doing sleight of hand to entertain the masses. I mean it all kind of fits, he had a gift and he used it to make something besides chairs. They SAY he was a carpenter, but maybe they were just too scared to say he was a street performer. And the people started to write stories about his exploits, (Because they didn’t have TV) and word gets around, he gets called to all of the big parties and hundreds of people start showing up and when he can’t make it the Pharaohs get all angry and have him sentenced. Judas was his manager, and told them where his gig was so they could go pick him up. Then they told him to do some real magic and “miracle” his ass off the cross.

Naturally he couldn’t.

BUT!! They always said he was going to come back and I think he has and he is repeating the past. Doing tricks for the masses, and if he ever gets hooked up with Tom Cruise he could be made into the next son of God!!

A Short but Sweet Trip to the Finger Lakes in NY State!

2006-05-23T11:33:00.000-04:00

Picture yourself driving along a narrow, long, beautiful lake carved by glaciers over 10,000 years ago. The lake winds among gentle sloped hillsides that drop to the lake. The area is truly blessed with spectacular scenery and is renowned for its wineries, fruits and vegetables…this is the Finger Lakes, NY.

The weather this Victoria Day long weekend was somewhat to be desired, however, the peaceful drive and company made up for it!

We visited with a couple that bought a wind machine for their farm from my boyfriend. The house sat on top of a hill overlooking Seneca Lake. Seneca Lake is one of several lakes that make up the Finger Lakes, so called because they are long and slender, resembling fingers. Seneca Lake is also the deepest freshwater lake in North America (quite possibly the world, although I'm not positive about that.

The Finger Lakes are renowned for their vineyards and diverse crops grown along the lake sides, including sweet corn, cherries, apples, berries of all kinds, wheat, oats, etc. All this diversity shows up as a checkerboard of colours. Green orchards, trellis for grapes, black and white cows in pastures, red barn roofs, silver and white silos - all work together creating a visual tapestry across the rolling hillsides. This was the view from the road that we were on, looking down the hill, over the sparkling blue lake and to the hillside across.

Unfortunately, the lodging choices we had that night weren’t the best, however, given it was a last minute decision, and the town is BOOMING with tourists… it really didn’t matter.

Well, this is the start of my short vacation… hopefully, the rest of it will be just as nice.

Long Nights and No Sleep!

2006-05-14T17:11:00.000-04:00

I didn’t know how much I appreciated sleep until recently. Right now, I’m at maybe 4 hours of sleep a night, and when I finally fall asleep, something wakes me up. It isn’t that I’m not trying. I’ve put myself in bed early, but of course that hasn’t worked. I just want to sleep. How hard is it for that to happen?

Sleep has never sounded so sweet, and seemed as unattainable as it does right now.

Am I thinking too much – yes; lack of sex – yes; reading alot - yes; family pissing you off – yes (oh, and this means WAR!!); need a vacation – yes; want answers to questions - yes; want to know how he really feels about you – yes; want the truth – yes; etc, etc, etc…

I’ve tried taking a nice long hot bath, which has always worked in the past. I find it a time to relax, and rejuvenate myself. I’ll leave turn on soothing music, and even turn off the lights and light some candles. To maximize the effects, I’ll do it late at night to where I know I won’t be disturbed. But, guess what – it didn’t work! Oh well…

What’s wrong with me!!!

What A F*cking MESS!

2006-05-10T22:45:00.000-04:00

...

April Sucked - Lets See What MAY Brings

2006-05-07T20:45:00.000-04:00

April sucked in so many ways that I wouldn't even know at which point to start writing about it! Then again, I guess my journals for April can give you a hint!

Let's see what the rest of this month brings! Does April showers really bring May flowers? At least not flowers - I can live without them.... but, we shall see.

So far, I attended the wedding reception of my former boss. Compliments and kudos were flying my way on what a good job I do and how well respected I am.... I even received an apology from a jerk (that's a long story and he's not worth writing about)!! My b/f came with me, and it was finally proven that he does exist in my life and not a "phantom"! I asked him to say good things about me - not that I need any - but just to avoid the usual.... "meh" and redirect to other girls he's dated. Luckily, nothing like that came up!

No Words...

2006-05-03T01:50:00.000-04:00

I need SLEEP!!

Why does there have to be so much effin drama in my life? Why can't anything be simple?

I got about two hours sleep last night. My back & neck hurt so badly that I couldn't sleep. It was truly a pathetic sight. I was laying on my back, with a heating pad on my neck, and I was crying. Tears were streaming down my face and into my ears but it hurt so badly to move that I just laid there.

At least I finished the report that's due this afternoon!

Later!

He Wonders Why I Put Up With Him...

2006-04-30T10:10:00.005-04:00

When he wants to – he can show a side that’s very loving, charming and endearing. He can show you that you’re the only person who matters at that moment, and give into you completely – physically and mentally. I’ve seen that side of him and experienced it! Then he starts to slip away, he gets bored and he shuts down.

Last night, I finally saw him for the first time in over a month. Half the things I wanted to say to him – didn’t even come out – I was just happy to see him again, and hoping he was happy to be with me as well.

I made my visit short, but not too short… I was satisfied that I saw him, satisfied that he wanted me in his bed, more than satisfied with his tongue teasing my clit and sucking it enough to make me quiver, fantastically satisfied that his thick cock was inside of me. I made sure however, that I didn't over stay my welcome.

This morning I woke up in my own bed, thirsty and horny, wanting to wrap my mouth around his cock and suck him with long and slow motions until he lets go.

After that night--he kept me around for another year because he had no idea what to do with me, and could not make a decision even if he tried. Well, perhaps that night he tried, then he just didn't care.

Me and Apollonia (I love that name!)

2006-04-28T23:45:00.000-04:00

Yes, I'm watching The Godfather again! It’s the only movie that I’ll watch in its entirety without my mind wandering somewhere else and on someone else… tonight, I really need the distraction.. actualy a good nite's sleep would be great - but I'll settle for this distraction!

Okay, one question about The Godfather is this; Michael goes to Italy to hide after killing the police chief and the head of the other family. He's there long enough to meet the Italian chick – APOLLONIA and marry her, yet at their wedding he still has a black eye. Where did the black eye come from? It's been quite some time since he was beaten up by the police chief. How long does it take him to heal? After he finds out Sonny is dead and has to come home, he STILL has the black eye. Maybe he should see a physician.

One more…, why does Connie look so dumb when she's pregnant? No one in the history of the world has ever looked that ridiculous when they were pregnant. She has this little tiny stick body and this bizarre looking belly. She looks like she's carrying around a bowling ball.

A have several more… but I won’t bother… why question a classic?

Seriously, this is definitely one of the best movies ever made. I only watch I and II, I refuse to watch any of the ridiculousness that occurs in the rest of the movies.